Satanic Saturdays: Day 1. "Hellbound"

DON'T FUCK WITH CHUCK.
Here's my take on this little nugget of nostalgic Norris!

Cocktail: Bacardi Oakheart Rum and Hansen's Natural Cola

You can't blame Aaron Norris for having big dreams. Like the other D List, slag brothers of Hollywood stars, (i.e. Frank Stallone and any or all of the Baldwins that aren't Alec.) he set his sights on stardom only to work behind the scenes as a staging point for his younger brother's career. A Vietnam War veteran turned uncredited stunt man, director, writer, and producer. Nearly every single one of his projects includes or centers around Chuck. In the case of The Norris Brothers, what came first? The chicken or the sub-par acting?

I'm half drunk already. Spoiler Alert! Intelligible writing is too hard. So, I will just talk shit about the major points as they happen, mmkay?!

34 seconds
WHO IS AARON NORRIS?! Why does he think he's George Lucas?! They are doing the Star Wars thing! Are you fucking kidding me? In a galaxy, long, long ago, Chuck Norris ruled that galaxy with an iron fist...and a dead pan face.

1 minute
I'm confused! They don't have palm trees in England...or is this supposed to be Israel...I just saw a palm tree. These knights sure wear a lot of gold.

5 minutes
Enter Satan's minion Prosatanos. I wonder if his name is just latin for Pro-Satan?
Like, "hey, I'm for Satan! Go Satan!"
I love sandwiches. Maybe my latin name could be Proreubenos.

7 minutes
Why are Satan's minions so obsessed with gloating? They always fuck up the sacrifices by gloating too long.
"Muahahahahaha."
Aaaaaaaaand Dead.
You fucked up Prosatanos.

12 minutes
Huh? It's 1951 now?

13 minutes
WHAT?! It's 1994? I feel sick.
What the fuck has Prosatanos been doing for 40 years?
Apparently, banging really annoying hookers and getting his nails did.
Chuck Norris' sidekick with the Jumpin Jack Flash hair!?
You should probably thank Whoopi Goldberg for passing on this movie.

16 minutes
Chuck Norris. Your hair is fug. You are terrible. I don't think you can make a facial expression. Maybe that's how we got Botox. It's actually Chuck Norris' blood.
I hope he kills that annoying hooker.

20 minutes
Yay! They killed the annoying hooker.

32 minutes
I'm drunk. This movie is still awful.

36 minutes
Chuck Norris' face still hasn't moved. He must have to drink his food through a straw. drinking....

38 minutes
Enter Yanni Jesus.
I think they spent their whole budget on Chuck's wardrobe.

1 hour 6 minutes
Blah blah. Bad acting. Blah blah. He-Whoopi Goldberg is yelling a lot and always hungry. Blah Blah. Drunk.

1 hour 8 minutes
"The servant of Satin has come to collect the nine pisses!"

1 hour 20 minutes
Sobering up for the showdown between Whoopi, Chuck, and old Goat Eyes.

1 hour 21 minutes
Alright, Prosantana.
Don't fuck this up.
I think he took too much time lighting all the candles and torches. Satan really needs to be more choosey about his emissaries.

1 hour 24 minutes
SLOOOOOOW MMMMMMMOOOOOTTTTTTTIIIIOOOOONNNNNNN KKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCKKKKKSS

"EAT THIS!" sayeth dead face Norris.

Prosatanos dies in a tornado/earthquake/fireworks accident.
The End

So, Gentle Readers. If you feel so inclined, you can catch this little pearl on instant Netflix under the Horror/Action & Adventure Category or skip it altogether, because my rum soaked review pretty much highlighted the least shitty parts.

Stay Tuned for Slasher Sunday's Pick!!