Slasher Sundays: Day 9. "Intruder"

From the makers of Evil Dead 2!
This is what happens when your skanky boyfriend goes to jail and you don't keep in touch. Lesson learned.

Cocktail: Good old fashioned Bloody Mary. Spicy.

Satanic Saturdays: Day 8. "Exorcismus"

Cocktail: Vanilla Vodka. Pineapple Juice.

Foreign Fiends Fridays: Day 7. "Don't Torture A Duckling"

Non si sevizia un paperino...
Italian for: "No. Yes. Service a pepperoni."

Cocktail: Since this is Italian I am just going to get balls deep in a bottle of Pinot Noir. Join me!

Teen Scream/Zombie Thursdays: Day 6. "Zombies of Mass Destruction"

Since there isn't a day of the week that starts with Z in order to sustain my obsession with alliterations, Thursday will be divided between Teen Screams and Zombie flicks.
This weeks pick!!



Cocktail: Vanilla Russian
Vanilla Vodka. Kahlua. half/half. rocks.
FYI: This movie stars the worlds longest hair!

Blatant political lampoons and gore-a-plenty!
The undead have descended upon the small village of Port Gamble where sterotypes are, well, in stereo. With racial tinged satire almost as tongue-in-cheek as a Rush Hour script, except the cheek is being ripped off and noshed on by the legions of Zombie fiends.

Were/Vamp Wednesdays: Day 5. "Monster Dog"

Two words: ALICE COOPER!

Cocktail: Since Alice hasn't had a drink in over 20 years I'm going to go ahead and honor his abstinence from the "devil juice" with a nice, cold Bud tall can.

Spoiler Alert! Watch first. Read the following brain dribbles later.

As expected, Monster Dog is campy horror gold! This "totes cray" 80's romp featuring none other than the bat masticating, duke of darkness, Alice Cooper, is certainly primed to please.
A.C. stars as Vincent Raven/aka himself(art imitating life or just bad acting?), a rock juggernaut with a mysterious past. Vincent and his band of randy skanks are on a road trip to his hometown to film a new music video. Before Vincent can make sweet lovin to the camera like he slipped it a spanish fly on prom night, there's an unexpected road block. The more-to-love Sheriff Morrison informs Vincent and his entourage of an attack in the town. The old creeptastic Sheriff regales them with his theory that pack of crazed bitch dogs are maulin the kind townfolk, but then segues into a story about how "Vincent" used to sit on his lap as a child... "Vinny" looks shifty as hell throughout the encounter and to throw everyone off his trail, peels out and hits a german shepard with the van. He then casually kills the german shepard in it's head with a heavy stone. All normal non-were-fiend behaviors.
The scene crescendos again when some old bloody dude jumps out of bushes and spouts off a cryptic warning about their imminent demise but, as skanks do, they it shrug off follow Vincent to his old digs. Once there, the groupie twats dine on sandwiches and Vincent goes around with a shotgun looking for the missing caretaker.
Blah. Blah. Vincent stumbles upon a book about werewolves. One of the hoes has a nightmare about A.C. as the monster bitch dog. More creepy old bloody dude gettin his perv on.
Denial. Weird family portraits...Vincent's peepaw was either super baked while they were painting the picture or he is a lycanthrope... Scary Monster Dog. Creepy gun toting Deliverance townies. Death. Blood. Dogs. Hysterical laughing/crying.

There was a delay in the voice track throughout the entire movie, which was fairly endearing. Overall, this movie was the epitome of camp. Terrible acting. Ridiculous looking "monster". It was the jam!

Worst: The shitty quality of certain props (ie the Werewolf Book)
Best: If you pass out drunk and wake up at the end, don't fret! This movie comes complete with a musical montage of the major scenes. It's like watching the whole movie in two minutes to a soundtrack of "Identity Crisis" by Vincent Raven!

See it!!!

Totally Asian Tuesdays: Day 4. "A Tale of Two Sisters"

Totally Asian Tuesdays! Here's my pick!!


Cocktail: Absolut Ginger Tea (Thanks to Michelle for exposing me to this nom drank!)
Absolut Wild Tea Vodka. Ginger Ale. Fresh Lime.
(The ginger ale to soothe my stomach because these movies always make me feel wonky in my guts.)

Oh. Em. Eff. Gee.
This might be the highest rated film I will watch this entire month. Which is a hope not a fear!

Based on a Korean folk tale, A Tale of Two Sisters centers around, yes, two sisters, Su-Yeon(little sis) and Su-Mi, who return home (from???) only to be physically and sonically brutalized by their trifflin' ho of a step mom. I'm sure the Korean language is beautiful but this shrill, husband-thieving, skeksis makes ears bleed with her pitiless screeching! In hindsight, I would have muted her scenes but that banshee made shit that much scarier. For truth!
As the story unfolds, the two sisters find themselves being haunted by some totally crazy she-ghost that hides under the sink and has hands coming out her noni. Eek!
The step monster goes postal on the little sister and the absentee salt-and-pepper peepaw sits around looking depressed and bored. When Su-Mi decides to call bullshit on her step-ho, Peepaw dismisses her rant and drops a reality bomb that might make you tinkle your panties.
Nothing is as it seems. Things get crazier until finally the story starts to explain itself.
All in all, you feel like two hand punched you in the chonies when Su-Mi starts to remember how shit really went down.

This movie is a lot better than I even expected. Even with the bleeding ear holes!
See it!

My Choice Mondays: Day 3. Dario Argento's "Pelts".

Nothing Says Monday like Meatloaf!!!!!!!!

Cocktail: "The Old Gregg"
Bailey's. Nutmeg. Rocks.

The times certainly have changed since "Susperia". Dario Argento, the magical grandpappy of 'auteur' and slasher flicks, has a veritable "Ho Train" of movies that have influenced and shaped this genre. His warped mind has brought forth to the world some of the most bizarro, gore worshipping, genius to have graced the Art House screens.

This movie may be the exception to the rule.

"Pelts" is about a sleazy, old fuggle, fur trader (Portrayed by Meat Loaf Aday...he actually has a last name other than Loaf!?) that has a penchant from creepin on stripper/hookers. With his sights set on Shanna, the Queen Ho of Stripper Town, he comes into possession(literally, wink wink) of some raccoon pelts that were hunted down by none other than Nancy(A Nightmare on Elm Street)Thompson's Peepaw, John Saxon!! Sweet cameo aside, these pelts seem to have an essence that possesses whomever comes into contact with them and carries out bloody vengeance!
Plenty of self-inflicted mutilation, boobs, lady/lady times, and a VERY VERY unnecessary sex scene betwixt certain cast mates where, I'm pretty certain, Old Meat slipped the script writers a sweaty, back-pocket Benjamin and begged them to have a skank yell out that he had a obscenely huge peen! Say Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!!?

Worst Scene: The beast with 2 backs starring Meat and Slooty McGee.
Best Scene: Meat Loaf taking the knife to himself and making me wish I knew more about taxidermy!

Watch it! It's only 1 hour of your life that you were probably going to waste anyway. Make it so, y'all.

Stay Tuned for my take on Tuesday's pick!

Slasher Sundays: Day 2. "Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon"

Cocktail: Hot Jackie (my new recipe)
Honey Vanilla Chamomile Tea, Hot Water, A pinch of cardamon and cinnamon, Jack Daniel's Tennessee Honey Bourbon!

As an avid fan of slasher flicks and their crazed, slaughterous villains, I thought that this movie would, at least, be on par with the lesser sequels of the classics. Coming from the warped thinky bits of Tobe Hooper, "Behind the Mask" was hyped to terrify.

My friend David and I decided to synchronize our viewing experience and "review" this film in real time.
One movie. Two time zones. Four cocktails...and whatever David was drinking.

The following are some choice excerpts from our text conversation:
The opening scene...
Low Budget phony newscast delivered by possibly the most busted memaw anchorwoman ever.

The gist of the plot is this grad student gets in contact with the serial killer that inspired the likes of Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers, to film a documentary about his process...

The lead roll of Leslie Vernon was snagged by some fug douche clone of Dane Cook that was probably grown in a lab somewhere with the sole purpose to defile our sensibilities. The same lab where they made Paris Hilton.
I'm sure that while the casting director scraped the coke dingles from his face and was swept away in a lavender haze of fumes wafting from this shit stain of a script, the clone got hired.

The writers must have gotten their genres confused because, as the film progresses, a burgeoning love story begins to emerge between the doe-eyed memaw grad student and the slap-happy serial murder. My chonies shrivel at this development...gag!

It goes on like this for awhile...
Until the plot takes a turn and shit gets real.


So, basically, my advice to you is Skip it. But if you want to know what it was really like watching it without actually going to Instant Netflix and seeking it out... just go to your fridge. Eat a piece of expired ham and there you have it!
Stay tuned for Monday's movie magics...there's gonna be Meatloaf!

Satanic Saturdays: Day 1. "Hellbound"

DON'T FUCK WITH CHUCK.
Here's my take on this little nugget of nostalgic Norris!

Cocktail: Bacardi Oakheart Rum and Hansen's Natural Cola

You can't blame Aaron Norris for having big dreams. Like the other D List, slag brothers of Hollywood stars, (i.e. Frank Stallone and any or all of the Baldwins that aren't Alec.) he set his sights on stardom only to work behind the scenes as a staging point for his younger brother's career. A Vietnam War veteran turned uncredited stunt man, director, writer, and producer. Nearly every single one of his projects includes or centers around Chuck. In the case of The Norris Brothers, what came first? The chicken or the sub-par acting?

I'm half drunk already. Spoiler Alert! Intelligible writing is too hard. So, I will just talk shit about the major points as they happen, mmkay?!

34 seconds
WHO IS AARON NORRIS?! Why does he think he's George Lucas?! They are doing the Star Wars thing! Are you fucking kidding me? In a galaxy, long, long ago, Chuck Norris ruled that galaxy with an iron fist...and a dead pan face.

1 minute
I'm confused! They don't have palm trees in England...or is this supposed to be Israel...I just saw a palm tree. These knights sure wear a lot of gold.

5 minutes
Enter Satan's minion Prosatanos. I wonder if his name is just latin for Pro-Satan?
Like, "hey, I'm for Satan! Go Satan!"
I love sandwiches. Maybe my latin name could be Proreubenos.

7 minutes
Why are Satan's minions so obsessed with gloating? They always fuck up the sacrifices by gloating too long.
"Muahahahahaha."
Aaaaaaaaand Dead.
You fucked up Prosatanos.

12 minutes
Huh? It's 1951 now?

13 minutes
WHAT?! It's 1994? I feel sick.
What the fuck has Prosatanos been doing for 40 years?
Apparently, banging really annoying hookers and getting his nails did.
Chuck Norris' sidekick with the Jumpin Jack Flash hair!?
You should probably thank Whoopi Goldberg for passing on this movie.

16 minutes
Chuck Norris. Your hair is fug. You are terrible. I don't think you can make a facial expression. Maybe that's how we got Botox. It's actually Chuck Norris' blood.
I hope he kills that annoying hooker.

20 minutes
Yay! They killed the annoying hooker.

32 minutes
I'm drunk. This movie is still awful.

36 minutes
Chuck Norris' face still hasn't moved. He must have to drink his food through a straw. drinking....

38 minutes
Enter Yanni Jesus.
I think they spent their whole budget on Chuck's wardrobe.

1 hour 6 minutes
Blah blah. Bad acting. Blah blah. He-Whoopi Goldberg is yelling a lot and always hungry. Blah Blah. Drunk.

1 hour 8 minutes
"The servant of Satin has come to collect the nine pisses!"

1 hour 20 minutes
Sobering up for the showdown between Whoopi, Chuck, and old Goat Eyes.

1 hour 21 minutes
Alright, Prosantana.
Don't fuck this up.
I think he took too much time lighting all the candles and torches. Satan really needs to be more choosey about his emissaries.

1 hour 24 minutes
SLOOOOOOW MMMMMMMOOOOOTTTTTTTIIIIOOOOONNNNNNN KKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCKKKKKSS

"EAT THIS!" sayeth dead face Norris.

Prosatanos dies in a tornado/earthquake/fireworks accident.
The End

So, Gentle Readers. If you feel so inclined, you can catch this little pearl on instant Netflix under the Horror/Action & Adventure Category or skip it altogether, because my rum soaked review pretty much highlighted the least shitty parts.

Stay Tuned for Slasher Sunday's Pick!!